Apparently I wrote this after a party we had at our house Halloween weekend, why I didn't post it then I have no clue.
It’s funny how when you’re all alone you feel the most crowded. We had a party tonight at the house to celebrate All Hallow’s Eve (hence why I’m writing this at 4:30 a.m. Anyways, as the party dies down I begin to notice a couple of things: 1) that many people should never be in that tight a space and (probably the more significant to this piece) 2) who is staying in with me? The answer is no one. You see, my better half is currently in Boston. And that’s great. I’m proud of her for where she is and what she is doing. The problem is I’m the kind of guy who is just that. A guy. I began recognizing the strange phenomenon about men early into my senior year of high school. It’s what made me who I am currently.
Guys have this incredible conniption. We all feel need to be wanted but we don’t want to be needed. Let me explain. Every guy wants to be the best athlete, the one who with the game on the line is relied upon the most: a need to be wanted. Not all of us want to be the guy who is depended upon day in and day out to make everything ok: the want to be needed. Ladies, ever wonder why your man seems distant at random points? Or acts as if he doesn’t care? It’s not because he doesn’t care, it’s because he doesn’t want to be depended upon as the knight in shining armor every single day. And that really is a shame because men were put on this earth to provide for and cherish the woman we are placed with.
In a more simple way, I remember this girl I had in high school. She was incredible. We didn’t really start dating until my freshman year in college, when all the stupid high school bullshit went away and we both finally figured out what we thought we wanted. When we started dating I was back visiting my old high school pals for New Years. While I was out with her and our mutual friend at Target, she had her arms wrapped around me. In a moment of sheer “who the hell knows” she looked at me, buried her head into my chest, and sighed. I melted. I thought in that moment, “Wow. This girl is actually happy that she’s mine and I’m hers.” There is no better feeling in the world than recognizing that.
What made it even better was that was the moment that I realized she “wanted” me but I knew that she didn’t “need” me. She had the ability to provide for herself; to make herself happy, and maybe that is what made her so attractive in the first place. I knew that she didn’t need me to make her happy, but the fact that she wanted me to, and that I did, was a sense of fulfillment you can’t find anywhere else. Unfortunately, or fortunately depending how you look at it (yeah, fortunately), that didn’t last long and we ended up no more.
I don’t where she is, or who she’s with, all I know is that she is happy and that is what matters the most. I, myself, am with Mrs. Boston. And I couldn’t be happier with that. I know that she wants me in her life and wants me to make her happy. But I also know that she is strong willed enough to not need me. That sense of fulfillment again. I felt in for the first time on that winter’s day at 18. I know understand it at age 21, it’s awesome.
What makes it even more astounding is what it will subconsciously do to you. Look back at the first question I asked at the top of this: who is staying with me? No one. And that’s awesome. I know that I’m going to post this, shut down my computer, roll over and fall asleep alone. Not by my own doing, but because the sense of fulfillment I enjoy keeps me from being the stereotypical asshole that is untrue to the one he is with. Amazing what being wanted will do to you. Even if the one that wants you isn’t there at the end of the night.
